The Power of Self-Compassion in Parenting: What Every Caregiver Deserves to Know

I too was once a parent that felt that I had to exert my “power” and “authority” in order for my child to listen. I was humbled very quickly when my child responded back with the same energy. Once I realized that I needed to change, my parenting skills and relationship with my child improved.

Our children feed off of our energy. They want the love, hugs, and giggles from us and not the “enforcer”. At least they don’t think they do. It becomes a battle if we allow it to become one. Unfortunately, we never win because there is not a battle to win.

Unconsciously, many of us are trying to "control" our children. Always figuring out a way to keep them complaint. A bit scary as these are their early years where trust and safety are what they seek. So I did a bit of research and here are some of the findings.

A recent study by Tang et al. (2024) explored the relationship between parental psychological control and children’s self-esteem, specifically in children with and without oppositional defiant problems. The researchers found that when children—especially those aged 8 to 13—felt their parents were overly controlling of their emotions, thoughts, or behaviors, their self-esteem declined over time. Interestingly, this pattern was especially strong in mother-child relationships and appeared to be reciprocal: children with low self-esteem were more likely to perceive their mothers as psychologically controlling. These dynamics were similar in children with and without oppositional defiant behaviors, emphasizing that emotionally intrusive parenting practices can negatively impact self-worth regardless of a child’s diagnosis. This study highlights the importance of fostering autonomy-supportive parenting to build and protect a child’s self-esteem during the formative years (Tang et al., 2024).

After reading more on this topic, I reflected on my own parenting and thought about the ways I may show up for my children. The more compassion that I showed myself the better I felt and the less stress I took on. As parents and caregivers, we pour ourselves into the daily rhythms of raising children—nurturing, correcting, comforting, and guiding. But what happens when we forget to care for the heart behind it all: our own?

A compelling study by Nguyen et al. (2023) reminds us that self-compassion is not indulgent—it’s essential. When parents treat themselves with kindness, understanding, and grace, especially in the face of mistakes or challenges, they are far less likely to experience the emotional exhaustion known as parental burnout.

The research shows that parents who practice self-compassion are more likely to parent with emotional warmth and supportive guidance. In contrast, those who lack self-compassion tend to rely on psychological control, which often increases stress and disconnection at home.

At its core, this study is a gentle call to action: The more compassion we extend to ourselves, the more regulated, present, and connected we become for our children. This is not only healing for us—but deeply transformational for them.

Sources:

Nguyen, T. M., Nguyen, A. H., Tran, P. T. T., & Vo, H. T. P. (2023). Self-compassion reduces parental burnout: Mediation roles of parental psychological control and support. Personal Relationships, 30(1), 262–277. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12464

Tang, Y., Novin, S., Lin, X., Becht, A., & Thomaes, S. (2024). Parental psychological control and children’s self-esteem: A longitudinal investigation in children with and without oppositional defiant problems. Child & Adolescent Psychiatry & Mental Health, 18(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13034-024-00740-0